Relationships – How to Choose the Right Partner?

Relationships are a very complex phenomenon. One of the most common problems I encounter in working with clients is the problem of choosing a partner. Many people face the problem of choosing the wrong person as a partner, and then after a while they feel disappointed and dissatisfied in the relationship. What influences our choices and why do we often find ourselves in relationships that were perfect for us at first, but later become unsatisfactory?

One of the most common factors that influence our choices is our past. Our childhood experiences, namely the relationship with our parents, can affect how we choose partners in adulthood. For example, if we grew up in a dysfunctional family, we may attract partners similar to our parents. Also, if we had negative experiences in past relationships, we may be afraid of making the same mistakes and choose partners who are completely opposite to those we had before.

Another factor that influences our choice of partner is our personality. People with similar traits and values ​​are attracted to each other, so we may choose partners who are similar to us. However, if we have low self-esteem or are afraid of loneliness, we may attract partners who will use us and exploit our weaknesses. Also, an even bigger problem is the well-known “differences attract”, when we choose a partner who is our complete opposite, because our partner “has” something that we lack, for example, spontaneity, free expression, courage… At first, we like it very much, but later these same things start to bother us because they clash too much with our own view of reality.

The third factor that influences our choice of partner is social pressure. People are expected to fit into social norms and expectations, which can influence who we decide to get married to. For example, if we live in a society where marriage is considered mandatory, we may feel forced into marriage, even if it is not what we really want.

There is also the factor of chemistry. We often fall in love with someone without explanation or any obvious reason. The chemistry between two people is complex and significantly influences our choice of partner. However, chemistry alone is not enough for a long-term relationship, and can even be dangerous if it is based on unhealthy foundations.

When it comes to the reasons why we find ourselves in relationships that seem perfect at first but later become unsatisfying, it is often due to a mismatch in values, needs, and expectations between the partners. It may be that we are too focused on physical attraction or chemistry between partners at the beginning of a relationship, and neglect other important aspects of the relationship. We may also not talk enough about our values ​​and goals in life, which can lead to conflicts later in the relationship.

People often change throughout their lives, and our priorities can shift over time. What was important to us at the beginning of a relationship may become less important later in life. In addition, life situations can change, such as losing a job or a death in the family, which can also affect our relationship.

Imago therapy is an approach to psychotherapy that focuses on relationships and how they affect us. According to Imago therapy, we choose partners who are similar to our parents or caregivers in order to experience some of the shortcomings or traumas from our childhood. In this way, we try to correct past traumas and get what we lacked as a child.

For example, if as a child we felt that we lacked love or attention from one of our parents, we may choose partners who are emotionally unavailable because we believe that in this way we will receive the love and attention that we lacked in childhood. However, this choice of partner can be problematic and lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship.

Another theory that can be applied to our choice of partners is attachment theory. According to this theory, our relationships with our parents in childhood can influence our choices of partners later in life. If we had a secure attachment with our parents in childhood, we are more likely to choose partners who are safe and emotionally available. However, if we had an insecure attachment in childhood, we may choose partners who are insecure and unavailable, because that is what we were familiar with in childhood.

It is important to become aware of our patterns of choosing partners so that we can break patterns that do not serve us. Through Imago Therapy and Attachment Theory, we can gain a better understanding of why we choose certain partners and how this affects our relationships. We also work to develop secure and healthy relationships by improving communication, resolving conflict, and understanding our needs and those of our partner.

Our choices of partners are complex and influenced by many factors, including our past, personality, social pressure, and chemistry. It is important to be aware of these factors and discuss important aspects of the relationship to avoid dissatisfaction later.