Bury Expectations. One of the most challenging aspects of adult psychological development involves confronting a painful reality: our parents—those whom we once perceived as all-knowing, all-powerful, and perfectly attuned to our needs—are merely human, with all the limitations, flaws, and unresolved struggles that humanity entails. From a Gestalt therapy and Somatic Experiencing perspective, “burying” our expectations of parents represents not an act of rejection or disrespect, but a necessary developmental process that enables genuine maturity, authentic selfhood, and eventually, the possibility of more genuine connection.

The Nature of Parental Expectations

To understand why burying parental expectations becomes necessary, we must first recognize their origins and the powerful functions they serve throughout development.

The Origins of Idealized Parental Images

From our earliest moments, we naturally develop internal representations of our caregivers based on our interactions with them. These representations serve crucial developmental functions:

1. Physical and Emotional Regulation: Infants and young children cannot regulate their own physical and emotional They depend entirely on caregivers to modulate their experiences and maintain homeostasis. This dependency creates powerful associations between caregiver presence and basic survival.
2. Making Meaning of Experience: Children use their relationship with caregivers to make sense of themselves and the They naturally assume that parental responses reflect absolute truth rather than subjective perception.
3. Security in a Complex World: The developing child requires a sense that someone stronger, wiser, and more capable is in The belief in all-knowing, all-powerful parents provides essential psychological safety.

From these origins emerge expectations that parents will be: Consistently attuned to our needs

Emotionally available whenever we require support Capable of protecting us from all harm

Always fair and reasonable in their responses

Able to recognize and validate our authentic selves

Perfect guides for navigating life’s complexities

The Clash Between Expectation and Reality

As development progresses, a gap inevitably emerges between these expectations and the reality of who our parents actually are. This gap varies widely in magnitude—from relatively minor disappointments in generally “good enough” parenting to profound betrayals in cases of abuse, neglect, or abandonment.

Regardless of where on this spectrum one’s experience falls, some degree of mismatch between expectation and reality is universal and unavoidable. No parent, no matter how devoted, skilled, or emotionally healthy, can possibly fulfill the idealized image that naturally develops in a child’s mind.

The Cost of Maintaining Unrealistic Expectations

When we continue carrying unrealistic expectations of parents into adulthood, we pay significant psychological and relational costs:

Arrested Development

The continued expectation that parents should meet needs they never could or will meet keeps us locked in developmental patterns appropriate to childhood but limiting in adulthood. This manifests as:

Persistent dependency in decision-making Difficulty trusting one’s own judgment

Childlike emotional responses in parent interactions Organizing life choices around parental approval

Inability to develop adult-to-adult relationships with parents

Chronic Disappointment and Resentment

When we maintain expectations that cannot be met, we create a perpetual cycle of disappointment that generates ongoing resentment. This resentment:

Contaminates interactions with parents Creates internal conflict and guilt Leaks into other relationships

Drains energy needed for present living Perpetuates a victim narrative that limits agency

Projection onto Other Relationships

Unresolved parental expectations don’t remain confined to the parent relationship. Instead, they become templates that we unconsciously project onto other significant relationships, particularly:

Romantic partners, who become substitute parents expected to heal original wounds Authority figures, who trigger parental transference

Our own children, who we may burden with expectations to provide what our parents couldn’t

Somatic Manifestations

From a Somatic Experiencing perspective, unresolved parental expectations manifest physically as:

Chronic tension patterns (particularly in the shoulders, neck, and jaw) Digestive disturbances activated by parent interactions

Breathing restrictions associated with suppressed emotional expression Postural patterns reflecting ongoing orientation toward parental approval Disrupted self-regulation capacities that remain dependent on external sources

The Psychological Process of Burying Expectations

“Burying” parental expectations doesn’t mean rejecting parents themselves or denying their importance. Rather, it represents a complex psychological process involving several key components:

1. Developmental Grief Work

At its core, burying parental expectations constitutes a form of grief work—mourning both the idealized parents who never existed and the actual parenting we needed but didn’t receive. This grief process follows patterns similar to other losses:

Denial and Bargaining: Continuing to believe that if we just communicate better, try harder, or change ourselves, parents will finally meet our expectations

Anger: Recognizing the impact of parental limitations and feeling legitimate anger about unmet needs

Sadness: Allowing the profound sadness of accepting the permanent gap between what we needed and what was possible

Acceptance: Integrating the reality of who our parents actually are and were capable of being

2. Differentiation of Self

In Gestalt therapy, differentiation involves clarifying the boundary between self and other—recognizing where “I” end and “you” begin. Burying parental expectations supports this differentiation by:

Distinguishing between our authentic needs and our parents’ capacity to meet them Recognizing parents as separate beings with their own limitations and struggles

Taking responsibility for our own emotion regulation rather than expecting parents to provide it Developing clarity about which aspects of our self-concept originated from parents versus authentic self

3. Integration of Split Parental Images

Many people carry split internal representations of parents—either idealizing them while denying limitations, or demonizing them while denying positive contributions. Burying expectations facilitates integration of these splits, allowing recognition of:

Both the gifts and the limitations of our parents

Their humanity, complete with contradictions and complexities The context of their own developmental histories and limitations Their simultaneous capacity for both harm and love

4. Reclaiming Projected Energy

From a Gestalt energy perspective, maintaining unrealistic expectations involves projecting life energy into an unresolvable past dynamic. Burying these expectations allows reclaiming this energy for present living through:

Withdrawing emotional investment from changing the unchangeable past

Redirecting attention from what parents should have been to what is actually available now Releasing the energetic burden of resentment and unfulfilled longing

Reinvesting reclaimed energy into current relationships and pursuits

Three Exercises to Bury Expectations

The following exercises, drawing from Gestalt and Somatic Experiencing approaches, support the process of releasing unrealistic parental expectations:

Exercise 1: The Letter of Impossible Expectations

This writing exercise helps identify and externalize unrealistic expectations that may operate below conscious awareness.

1. Find a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed for 30-45 Have paper and pen ready, or a device for typing if you prefer.
2. Take several deep breaths to center yourself, allowing your awareness to settle into your
3. At the top of the page, write: “Dear [Parent’s Name], Here is what I have always wanted from you but now understand you cannot provide:”
4. Begin writing freely, allowing any and all expectations to emerge without These might include:

Specific forms of emotional attunement or support

Recognition of your authentic self and abilities Protection from specific harms or difficulties Acknowledgment of past injuries or mistakes Types of guidance or wisdom you’ve sought Ways of relating that aren’t within their capacity

5. Continue writing until you feel complete, taking breaks if emotions become
6. When finished, read the letter aloud to yourself, noticing any physical sensations or emotions that arise as you give voice to these
7. Now, take a fresh page and write a brief acknowledgment of what you’re choosing to “bury” – the expectations you’re ready to release with compassion for both yourself and your
8. Conclude with a statement of what you’re making space for by releasing these For example: “By releasing the expectation that you will ever fully understand me, I make space for finding understanding in friendships and my relationship with myself.”
9. Create a small ritual of release – perhaps burning the first letter, placing it in a box to symbolically “bury,” or simply tearing it up while speaking words of

This exercise helps bring unconscious expectations into awareness while initiating the process of conscious release. It may need to be repeated periodically as new layers of expectation emerge.

Exercise 2: Somatic Differentiation Practice

This body-centered practice helps create clearer somatic boundaries between self and parents, supporting the physical dimension of releasing expectations.

1. Find a quiet space where you can move freely without Wear comfortable clothing.
2. Begin standing in a neutral position, feet approximately hip-width apart, knees slightly Take several deep breaths, allowing your awareness to settle into your body.
3. Place one hand on your heart and one on your Feel the rhythm of your breath and the solidity of your own physical presence.
4. Now, imagine your parent(s) standing about 10 feet in front of See them as clearly as possible— their posture, facial expression, the way they hold themselves.
5. Notice what happens in your body as you visualize Pay attention to: Any changes in your breathing

Shifts in muscle tension or relaxation Sensations of drawing toward or pulling away Changes in temperature or energy

Impulses toward particular movements or gestures

6. Without judging whatever arises, simply witness these bodily responses as information about your current relationship with parental
7. Now, experiment with different physical distances between you and the imagined Step back a few feet and notice any shifts in your body. Step closer and observe what changes.
8. Find the distance that allows you to feel both connected to your own center and capable of seeing your parent clearly as a separate person with their own limitations and
9. From this position of balanced distance, imagine a semi-permeable boundary between you and your parent—a boundary that allows love and care to flow while preventing expectations and projections from passing through.
10. Feel this boundary in and around your You might visualize it as light, a membrane, or simply a felt sense of definition between you and not-you.
11. Practice saying silently or aloud: “You are you, and I am Your limitations are your own. My life energy belongs to my life.”
12. Complete the practice by acknowledging what you’re reclaiming through this differentiation— perhaps autonomy, energy, self-definition, or emotional

This exercise helps establish the somatic foundation for releasing parental expectations by clarifying the physical experience of healthy boundaries. Practice regularly, especially before and after parent interactions or when you notice yourself caught in expectation patterns.

Exercise 3: The Ritual of Mature Acknowledgment

This ceremonial practice supports the emotional work of burying parental expectations while honoring the complexity of the parent-child relationship.

You’ll need:

A small box or container with a lid Paper and pen

Symbolic objects representing both parental gifts and limitations (photos, small items, or just written representations)

A quiet, private space for the ritual

Optional: candles, meaningful music, or other elements that create ceremonial space for you Steps:

1. Prepare your space by arranging the container, writing materials, and symbolic Create an atmosphere that feels supportive of significant emotional work.
2. Begin by writing on small pieces of paper the specific expectations you’re ready to Be as concrete as possible: “I release the expectation that my father will ever apologize for his emotional absence” or “I release the expectation that my mother will validate my career choices.”
3. For each expectation you write, pause to feel the emotional weight it has carried and acknowledge the legitimate need that gave rise to this
4. One by one, place these written expectations in the container, saying aloud as you do: “I honor the child in me who needed I release the expectation that [parent] can or will provide it.”
5. When all expectations have been placed in the container, add the symbolic objects that represent the genuine gifts or positive qualities your parents did contribute—however small or mixed with difficulty these might be.
6. Close the container, holding it between your Acknowledge the full complexity of your inheritance—both the unmet expectations and the actual gifts received.
7. Create a formal statement of release and reclamation that feels authentic to For example: “I lay to rest my childhood expectations of perfect understanding, protection, and attunement. I honor the parents I had and have—human, limited, and doing what they could from their own wounded places. I reclaim the energy I’ve spent seeking what cannot be given, and I commit this energy to building the life and relationships that honor my authentic self.”
8. Decide what to do with the Some possibilities include:

Burying it in the earth as a literal representation of laying these expectations to rest Keeping it on a shelf as a reminder of this conscious choice

Burning the contents (safely) as a symbol of transformation

Placing it somewhere significant and then later moving it to a less prominent location as integration progresses

9. Complete the ritual by doing something that symbolizes your recommitment to your own life energy

—perhaps a walk in nature, creating something, connecting with a supportive friend, or simply placing your hands on your heart in self-acknowledgment.

This ritual creates a tangible representation of the psychological process of burying parental expectations. The ceremonial quality helps engage deeper layers of awareness beyond intellectual understanding alone.

Beyond Burial: What Becomes Possible

The process of burying unrealistic parental expectations, while initially painful, creates space for several important developments:

1. Authentic Connection with Actual Parents

Paradoxically, releasing idealized expectations often makes possible more genuine connection with parents as they actually are. This shift allows:

Appreciation of what parents can offer without constant disappointment about what they cannot Recognition of their humanity and their own struggles

Development of adult-to-adult relationships where possible Clearer boundaries that protect against ongoing hurt

Compassion that doesn’t require denying or minimizing limitations

2. Differentiated Responsibility for Needs

As expectations are released, responsibility for meeting core needs shifts appropriately. This includes:

Taking responsibility for needs that properly belong to adult functioning

Developing multiple sources of support rather than expecting parents to be primary providers Recognizing that some legitimate needs that weren’t met in childhood may require mourning rather than fulfillment

Creating relationships characterized by mutuality rather than compensatory caretaking

3. Somatic Release and Reclamation

The body often demonstrates dramatic changes as parental expectations are released:

Chronic tension patterns in the neck and shoulders may ease Breathing capacity typically expands

Digestive function may improve, particularly around parent interactions

Posture often shifts from unconscious patterns of submission, defiance, or collapse

Energy previously consumed by maintaining expectations becomes available for present engagement

4. Freedom from Intergenerational Patterns

Perhaps most significantly, burying unrealistic parental expectations interrupts intergenerational transmission of limiting patterns:

Breaking cycles of expectation and disappointment that may have persisted for generations Freeing children (current or future) from carrying projections of our unmet needs

Creating new relational templates based on authentic connection rather than unconscious compensation

Developing parenting approaches (if relevant) based on conscious choice rather than reaction

Navigating Common Challenges in the Process

Several challenges commonly arise when burying parental expectations:

Guilt and Perceived Disloyalty

The belief that releasing expectations constitutes betrayal or disrespect toward parents can generate significant guilt. This can be addressed by:

Distinguishing between releasing expectations and rejecting parents themselves Recognizing that realistic perception of parents actually honors their humanity

Understanding that continuing to expect what parents cannot provide creates ongoing pain for both parties

Acknowledging that genuine love becomes possible only when we see others as they truly are

Fear of Final Loss

For many, releasing expectations triggers fear of losing the parent relationship entirely. This fear responds to:

Clarifying that the goal is transformation of the relationship, not its elimination

Recognizing that aspects of connection may actually improve when expectations are realistic Understanding that what’s being lost is an illusion rather than an actual relationship

Building tolerance for the grief that accompanies necessary losses

Premature Forgiveness

Sometimes the process gets short-circuited by premature forgiveness—moving to release before fully acknowledging the impact of unmet needs. Authentic integration requires:

Honoring the legitimacy of childhood needs and the real impact of their non-fulfillment

Allowing full expression of grief and anger as part of the release process

Distinguishing between forgiveness that bypasses emotion and forgiveness that emerges naturally after thorough processing

Recognizing that genuine forgiveness is never forced but emerges organically when ready

Conclusion: From Expectation to Acceptance

The process of burying parental expectations represents one of the most challenging yet liberating aspects of psychological maturation. It requires courage to face the gap between what we needed and what was possible, compassion for both ourselves and our parents in this human limitation, and commitment to reclaiming life energy for present living rather than past resolution.

This journey is rarely linear or completed in a single insight or ritual. Most people find that it unfolds in layers, with new dimensions of expectation revealing themselves at different life stages. What begins with releasing obvious expectations often leads to discovering subtler forms that operated below awareness.

The work is not about reaching a perfect state of zero expectations, but rather developing increasing awareness of expectations as they arise and greater capacity to distinguish between realistic hopes and impossible demands. With practice, we become more skilled at catching ourselves when we slip into old patterns and more graceful in redirecting our energy toward what’s actually possible.

Ultimately, burying parental expectations creates space for something more valuable than their fulfillment ever could have provided: the freedom to live from our authentic center rather than in reaction to what was missing, the capacity to see others clearly and love them as they are rather than for what they might provide, and the ability to direct our precious life energy toward creating rather than demanding, building rather than waiting, and loving from fullness rather than need.

This freedom represents not a rejection of our parents or our past, but a profound honoring of the full truth of our inheritance—both its gifts and its limitations. From this truth, we can build lives that acknowledge our wounds without being defined by them, that respect our history without being imprisoned by it, and that transform the pain of unmet expectations into the wisdom of mature acceptance.

Keywords: Anxiety, polyvagal theory, gestalt therapy, psychotherapy, parents, parental trauma, somatic experiencing
Contact us: Feel and Heal Therapy Office