Silence: Understanding the power of ignoring in relationships between adults
Silence in disputes often leads to strange behavior that can shape the emotional character of individuals or even entire generations. Kada se nakon svađe u vezi, partnerstvu ili braku jedna osoba povuče, ušuti i počne ignorirati drugu, nastaje neugodna i napeta atmosfera. Obično se onaj tko se upušta u čin ignoriranja označava kao pasivno-agresivan, gotovo kao agresor.
The act of ignoring someone in the context of existing relationships is undoubtedly inappropriate and can be equated with childish behavior. However, it is important to recognize that such behavior does not deserve to be classified as aggressive or violent. Indeed, there is a sharp contrast with these attributes. The term “passive aggression” was coined by an American officer to describe a soldier who reluctantly obeys orders, carrying them out half-heartedly and with visible resistance. However, a person who ignores is not inherently violent. In today’s context, where the difference between the legitimate use of force and unjustified violence is blurred, and the definition of violence has become too broad, an individual who becomes agitated as a result of communication and begins to ignore others is not using force and does not need to be labeled as a violent person. On the contrary, people are constantly learning communication and changing communication in a way that would teach self-control and avoid becoming violent.
On the other hand, being ignored by a partner can cause deep emotional wounds. Therapists often hear statements such as: “The worst thing is when they ignore me. I’d rather be physically abused than ignored.”
In order to better understand why adults resort to ignoring others, it is necessary to go back to childhood, where this mechanism was initially established and called tantrums. Children use this tactic when they think that someone else, be it a parent or guardian who should be loving them or being their friend, is behaving unfairly. This subjective assessment by children is often wrong. When children contradict each other more often than they agree with each other about what they think is right, they start to get angry – avoiding eye contact, refusing to talk or going to their room to play by themselves. This can be a subtle situation in which a child wants something, but is prevented from having it. As young children do not differentiate between themselves and their desires, they experience the rejection of their desires as rejection of themselves, a lack of love. Their attitude becomes: “If you don’t love me, then I don’t love you.”
A child who is angry with a parent remains dependent on that parent and cannot break off the relationship. What the child wants is for the relationship to be restored, but changing the parent’s behavior after recognizing the extent of the child’s resentment.
Every individual, regardless of age, carries their inner child within them. This inner child represents the care of a young child – it suffers and wants to change the care of another. The difference between a young child and an adult is that children depend on their parents or guardians, while adults do not, which gives them the opportunity to leave unsatisfying relationships, partnerships or marriages. However, leaving is not their goal. Like little children, they want to continue the relationship, but on their terms.
This is why ignoring a partner within a relationship is an emotional strain. The person who decides to ignore wants their partner to feel the same as them and to overcome the fear of abandonment, guilt, shame and the motivation to change the behavior that led to the conflict and subsequent ignoring.
Kada roditelj ignorira dijete, to postaje najteži oblik kazne za dijete. Taj čin djetetu poručuje da su toliko vrijedna prijekora i bezvrijedna da ne samo da ne zaslužuju roditeljsku ljubav, već niti ne zaslužuju priznanje svog postojanja. That is why ignoring a child is one of the worst forms of cruelty.
Emotionally mature adults participate in discussions instead of resorting to ignoring. If one starts to ignore, the other should refrain from normal behavior and allow them to “cool off.” The worst case scenario is when the child inside starts to get angry, and the child inside the person being ignored feels rejected.
Razotkrivajući složenost ljudskih odnosa, razumijevanje psihologije koja stoji iza čina ignoriranja pruža uvid u zamršeni ples moći, ranjivosti i emocionalne dinamike koji oblikuju naše veze s drugima.
*Keywords: hearing, somatic experiencing therapy, psychotherapist zagreb, gestalt therapy
*Photo: GettyImages
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*Za firme: Kreativni Direktor
