Sexual games by Eric Bern
Psychological sexual games are a key aspect of human interaction that can affect our relationships, behaviors and emotions. Eric Berne’s theory of transactional analysis offers a framework for understanding these games and their underlying motivations. In his book “What Game Are You Playing?” (Games people play), Berne describes how individuals engage in psychological games as a way to satisfy their unconscious needs and avoid dealing with unpleasant emotions.
According to Bern, psychological games involve unconscious transactions between individuals, where each person plays a specific role. In sex games, these transactions usually involve power struggles, manipulation, and deception. The most common sex games include “Let’s fight”, “If it wasn’t for you” and “Isn’t it scary”.
In “Let’s Fight”, one person tries to create a conflict between two other people, while they remain on the sidelines and uninvolved. This game is often played to gain power or control over others. In “If It Were Not for You,” one person manipulates another into feeling guilty or responsible for relationship problems. The manipulator then uses that guilt to control the other person. In “Ain’t It Awful,” one person attempts to make the other feel inadequate or inferior, either by criticizing or belittling them.
Berne’s theory of transactional analysis argues that these games are driven by unconscious needs, such as the need for attention, control, or security. By playing these games, individuals can avoid confronting deeper emotional issues, such as feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or vulnerability.
Understanding the psychological games that individuals play is key to improving our relationships and reducing conflict. By recognizing the unconscious motives behind these games, we can work to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect and understanding. Eric Berne’s theory of transactional analysis provides a valuable framework for exploring the psychological games people play in their sexual relationships and offers a path to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Examples of games
“Rape” – This game involves one person making advances towards another, only to suddenly withdraw, leaving the other person feeling abandoned and rejected. This game is often played to avoid intimacy and maintain emotional distance.
“Why not – Yes, but” – In this game, one person makes suggestions while the other person responds with objections and counter-suggestions, leading to a cycle of ineffective communication and frustration. This game is often played as a way of avoiding responsibility or obligation.
“Look what I’m doing for you” – In this game, one person tries to manipulate the other into taking the blame for the problem, accusing them of causing it. This game is often played as a way to avoid responsibility and blame others.
“My dear…” – This game involves a couple who are stuck in a pattern of non-communication and non-resolution, leading to a stagnant and unsatisfying relationship. This game is often played as a way to avoid intimacy and change.
“Let’s fight it out” – This game involves one person intentionally creating conflict or tension between two others, often for their own amusement or to avoid intimacy.
“Door slamming” – In this game, one or both people become overly dramatic or emotional in order to attract attention or avoid intimacy.
“Perversion” – This game involves one person acting out sexually deviant behavior, often as a way to avoid intimacy or express anger toward others.
“Ritual” – In this game, a couple engages in repetitive, unchanging sexual behavior, often as a way to avoid intimacy or emotional connection.
“Payback” – This game involves one person using sex as a way to manipulate or control others, often as a means of gaining power or avoiding intimacy.
These are just a few of the many examples of psychological sex games described in Eric Berne’s book “Games People Play.” By recognizing these patterns in our own relationships, we can begin to understand the underlying motivations behind them and work to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
How to Stop Playing Toxic Games?
Eric Berne believed that the solution to ending these psychological sex games was to achieve what he called “adult ego strength.” Adult ego strength refers to the ability to be authentic and true to ourselves, rather than relying on unconscious games to satisfy our emotional needs. Berne believed that by developing an adult ego, individuals can overcome the unconscious motivations behind these games and build healthier relationships.
To achieve a strong adult ego state, Berne recommended several key steps:
Self-Awareness: Becoming aware of one’s own unconscious motivations and behavioral patterns is the first step toward developing a strong adult ego state.
Emotional Literacy: Developing the ability to recognize, understand, and express one’s own emotions, as well as the ability to understand and respond to the emotions of others, is key to overcoming mind games.
Boundary Setting: Establishing healthy boundaries in our relationships helps us avoid falling into unhealthy patterns of behavior and allows us to maintain our authenticity and individuality.
Empathy: Developing empathy and understanding for others helps us avoid playing mind games and instead build relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.
Emotional Maturity: Emotional maturity and becoming more self-sufficient and confident can help us overcome our addiction to mind games and build healthier relationships.
By following these steps, individuals can work to develop a strong adult ego state and overcome the unconscious motivations behind psychological sex games. Eric Berne’s theory of transactional analysis provides a valuable framework for understanding these games and offers a path toward creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
*Keywords: what game are you playing, sex games, partner therapy, marital therapy, couple therapy, relationship imago therapy, imago psychotherapy
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