Self-Mistreatment

Self-Mistreatment . In the quiet moments of self-reflection, many of us discover a harsh truth: we often treat ourselves in ways we would never treat others. The internal critic berates us for minor mistakes, we push our bodies beyond reasonable limits, deny ourselves rest, and engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that undermine our well-being and goals. As a Gestalt therapist with training in Somatic Experiencing, I’ve observed this pattern repeatedly across diverse populations. The question emerges: why do we engage in this seemingly counterintuitive self-mistreatment?

The Origins of Self-Mistreatment

Self-mistreatment rarely emerges spontaneously. Instead, it develops gradually through a complex interplay of developmental experiences, social conditioning, and psychological adaptations.

Internalized Critical Voices

One of the most common sources of self-mistreatment is the internalization of critical voices from our past. In Gestalt therapy, we understand that children naturally absorb and incorporate the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors of significant figures in their lives. When a child experiences consistent criticism, high expectations, or conditional approval, they develop an internal representation of these interactions.

These internalized voices become what Gestalt theory calls “introjects” – swallowed whole beliefs and attitudes that we’ve taken in without fully digesting or integrating them. Over time, these introjects function as an internal critic, applying the same harsh standards and judgments we once experienced from others.

Maladaptive Protection Mechanisms

Perhaps counterintuitively, self-mistreatment often begins as an attempt at self-protection. When we experience disappointment, rejection, or failure, the painful emotions can feel overwhelming. To protect ourselves from future pain, we might develop strategies such as:

Preemptive self-criticism: “If I criticize myself first and harshly enough, I’ll avoid making mistakes that lead to others’ criticism.”

Setting impossibly high standards: “If I’m perfect, I won’t give anyone reason to reject me.” Self-punishment: “If I punish myself for failures, I’ll learn to do better next time.”

These protection mechanisms might provide a temporary sense of control, but they ultimately perpetuate cycles of self-mistreatment.

Somatic Patterns and Nervous System Dysregulation

From a Somatic Experiencing perspective, self-mistreatment also has physiological components. Our bodies carry patterns of tension, constriction, and defensive posturing that reflect and reinforce our psychological treatment of ourselves. When we experience chronic stress or trauma, our nervous system can become dysregulated, leaving us stuck in states of hyperarousal (anxiety, agitation) or hypoarousal (depression, disconnection).

In these dysregulated states, we often lose access to our natural capacity for self-nurturing and self- regulation. The body’s wisdom becomes overridden by survival mechanisms, leading to behaviors that might momentarily reduce distress but ultimately cause harm – from substance misuse to overwork to physical self-neglect.

Common Manifestations of Self-Mistreatment

Self-mistreatment expresses itself in numerous ways:

1. Relentless self-criticism – The internal dialogue that constantly judges, critiques, and diminishes our efforts and worth
2. Physical neglect – Ignoring basic needs for rest, nutrition, movement, and medical care
3. Emotional invalidation – Dismissing or minimizing our own emotional experiences
4. Self-sabotage – Unconsciously undermining our own goals and success
5. Comparison and perfectionism – Setting impossible standards based on idealized versions of others
6. Denial of pleasure and joy – Believing we don’t deserve enjoyment or relaxation
7. Staying in harmful situations – Tolerating abusive relationships or toxic environments

The Costs of Self-Mistreatment

The impact of chronic self-mistreatment extends far beyond momentary discomfort. Research in psychoneuroimmunology shows that persistent self-criticism and negative self-judgment correlate with increased inflammation, reduced immune function, and heightened stress responses. From a psychological perspective, self-mistreatment contributes to depression, anxiety, addiction, and diminished self-efficacy.

In Gestalt terms, self-mistreatment creates fragmentation within the self – parts at war with other parts – interrupting the natural flow of contact and withdrawal that characterizes healthy functioning. This internal conflict consumes enormous psychological energy that might otherwise be directed toward growth, creativity, and connection.

The Path Toward Self-Compassion

Shifting from self-mistreatment to self-compassion requires awareness, practice, and patience. Here are three exercises that can support this transformation:

Exercise 1: The Compassionate Witness

This exercise helps develop awareness of self-mistreatment and introduce a new, compassionate perspective.

1. Find a quiet space where you won’t be Sit comfortably and take several deep breaths.
2. Notice any self-critical thoughts or feelings arising in your Don’t try to change them; simply observe them.
3. Imagine stepping slightly to the side, creating a small distance between you and these thoughts/feelings.
4. From this witness position, get curious: When did this voice first enter your life? Whose voice does it resemble? What is it trying to protect you from?
5. Now, imagine how you might respond to a dear friend expressing these same self-judgments. What would your tone be? What might you say?
6. Practice offering yourself the same compassionate response, speaking silently or aloud to Practice this exercise daily for 5-10 minutes, especially when you notice harsh self-judgment arising.

Exercise 2: Somatic Resource Building

This exercise helps recalibrate the nervous system toward greater self-support.

1. Identify a moment when you felt genuinely good in your body – perhaps while walking in nature, receiving a hug, or engaging in an enjoyable
2. Close your eyes and recall this experience in Notice where and how this positive feeling registers in your body. Is there warmth, expansion, relaxation?
3. Gently place one hand where you feel this pleasant sensation most Breathe into this area, allowing the sensation to expand with each inhale.
4. As you continue breathing, silently repeat a phrase that captures this resource: “This is also me” or “This good feeling belongs to me.”
5. Practice returning to this somatic resource several times throughout your day, especially when self- mistreatment patterns

Exercise 3: The Two-Chair Dialogue

This classic Gestalt technique helps externalize and transform the relationship between critical and criticized parts of self.

1. Arrange two chairs facing each Sit in one chair and imagine your inner critic sitting opposite you.
2. Speaking as yourself, express how the critic’s words and tone affect Be specific about the impact.
3. Move to the other chair and speak as the What is this part trying to achieve? What is it afraid might happen if it stopped criticizing?
4. Continue moving between chairs, allowing a genuine dialogue to Look for the underlying needs and fears on both sides.
5. Work toward negotiating a new relationship between these parts – one based on mutual respect and shared concern for your
6. End with an agreement about how these parts can work together more

Conclusion

Self-mistreatment, though painful, is not inevitable or unchangeable. By understanding its origins in our personal history and nervous system patterning, we gain the perspective needed to begin transforming these ingrained habits. Through consistent practice of self-awareness and self-compassion, we can gradually create new neural pathways and somatic experiences that support genuine self-care.

Remember that this journey isn’t about perfection. There will be days when old patterns reassert themselves. What matters is the commitment to noticing these patterns with kindness rather than judgment, and gently redirecting ourselves toward the more compassionate response.

The capacity for self-compassion is innate – it’s not something we need to create from scratch, but rather a natural ability we can rediscover and strengthen. As we do so, we not only heal our relationship with ourselves but also enhance our capacity for authentic connection with others.

 

Keywords: Self-Mistreatment, polyvagal theory, gestalt therapy, psychotherapy, parents, parental trauma, somatic experiencing
Contact us: Feel and Heal Therapy Office