Have you ever felt like you’re constantly chasing after people who can never quite love you enough?
That exhausting cycle of trying to be more lovable, more interesting, more worthy of someone’s attention? If you’re nodding right now, know that you’re not alone in this pattern.
This tendency to chase love often begins long before we have words to describe it.
As a child, you might have learned that affection was conditional—available only when you achieved, behaved, or performed in certain ways. Or perhaps love was inconsistent, creating a cycle where you worked harder during moments of withdrawal, celebrating the brief returns of connection as evidence that your efforts were working.
Your body holds this history.
Pay attention to what happens physically when you feel someone pulling away—does your chest tighten? Does your breathing become shallow? Does anxious energy surge through your limbs? These sensations often trigger an automatic response: pursue, convince, earn back. Your nervous system believes, at a primal level, that this pursuit is necessary for survival.
This pattern shows up in many ways.
You might be completely yourself when first meeting someone new. Then, as soon as you sense they’re really important to you, you start shape-shifting—monitoring their reactions, adjusting yourself, trying to become whoever would be most appealing to them. This exhausting vigilance has roots in experiences with caregivers whose approval was rare and unpredictable, creating a deep belief that love must be continuously earned rather than freely given.
Or perhaps you repeatedly pursue emotionally unavailable people,
putting extraordinary effort into relationships where the connection is fundamentally imbalanced. When someone actually shows consistent interest, you might get suspicious or bored. The only love that feels real is the kind you have to work for. This pattern connects to early experiences with caregivers who alternated between intense focus and complete disengagement.
Healing Exercise #1: The Pursuit Pause
When you notice yourself in chase mode—perhaps sending multiple texts, overthinking interactions, or adjusting your behavior to please someone—pause. Place one hand on your heart and take three deep breaths. Ask yourself: “What am I feeling in my body right now? What am I afraid will happen if I stop pursuing?” Stay with these sensations and fears for a few moments. Then gently remind yourself: “I am safe even if this connection isn’t secure. My worth doesn’t depend on their response.” This practice interrupts the automatic pursuit cycle and creates space for new choices.
Healing Exercise #2: The Love Inventory
Take a sheet of paper and create two columns. In the first, list all the ways you try to earn or secure love (being helpful, never expressing needs, looking attractive, achieving, etc.). In the second column, write how each strategy impacts your wellbeing and authenticity. This inventory brings awareness to the often unconscious ways you’ve learned to chase love at your own expense. Review this list regularly, asking: “What would it feel like to be loved for who I am rather than what I do?”
Healing Exercise #3: Self-Connection Before Relationship
Develop a daily five-minute practice of connecting with yourself before engaging with others. Sit quietly with one hand on your heart and one on your belly. Ask yourself: “How am I feeling right now? What do I need today?” Listen for your inner response without judgment. This simple ritual strengthens your relationship with yourself, making external validation less necessary and helping you recognize when you’re abandoning yourself to chase connection.
The path from chasing to choosing begins with recognizing your inherent worthiness.
Many people dismiss compliments and focus exclusively on what they can do for others. The healing happens when you practice receiving positive feedback without immediately deflecting or earning it. Consider the perspective shift: realizing you’ve been treating love like a paycheck—something you have to work for rather than something you deserve simply for being human. This change in viewpoint affects not just how you approach relationships, but which relationships you approach.
Your physical environment can reinforce this healing.
Consider creating what could be called a “worthiness corner” in your home—a small space with objects that remind you of your inherent value. Perhaps a childhood photo representing your innate lovability before achievement. A small stone from a moment of profound self-connection. When you notice yourself slipping into chase mode, physically sit in this space, allowing these reminders to anchor you back to your worth.
True healing happens when you begin approaching relationships from wholeness rather than hunger.
This doesn’t mean you won’t experience natural desire for connection, but that this desire no longer overrides your essential needs and boundaries. The shift happens when you realize that finding love isn’t about becoming the perfect person for someone else. It’s about being fully yourself and recognizing when someone appreciates what’s naturally there.
Remember that transforming this pattern takes time.
You’re rewiring neural pathways that were established before you had conscious choice. Be gentle with yourself when old patterns emerge. Each time you notice yourself chasing love, you have an opportunity to pause, breathe, and choose differently. The very awareness you’re developing now is already changing your relationship with love—from something you pursue to something you allow yourself to receive.
